Spoon-bending: In the Service of the CIA

Yikes, Uri Geller is back in our lives again: but one may ask, has he ever really ever been out of them? Unfortunately the answer to this question may remain classified for years to come, as with his four decade long link-up with the American intelligence apparatus now having been “exposed” by the BBC, it is anybody’s guess whose hard-drives he may have corrupted with his all powerful psi-stare. I say this because with the cold war done and dusted — thanks of course going to Geller — his secret assignments with the CIA may have been downgraded to interfering with the computers of dissident writers (and maybe even to some disaffected readers too). I don’t know about you but my computer has certainly been playing up recently.

As the BBC documentary The Secret Life of Uri Geller — Psychic Spy? which aired last night demonstrated, Geller’s magical powers have not only been capably utilized to melt Russian floppy discs, but to also locate oil in Mexico, and divine secret tunnels in South Korea. But perhaps the most dangerous of Geller’s super-human aptitudes that ever found itself in the hands of the CIA has been his mesmerizing ability to bend steel, or to be more precise, spoons.

Sadly we may never find out how many people Geller has killed with his spoon-bending antics, a power so useful to the CIA that they have used it all over the world to deprive their enemies of food in the most devious and soul-destroying way. Fancy some tasty chicken soup to warm your soul after a hard days work in the cold? Well if Geller and the CIA have their wicked way, the only place getting warmed by your broth will be your lap.

And don’t even think that using specially reinforced cutlery will help. This truth was exposed when an skeptical British journalist took an ice-cream spoon into the mystics palatial lair — “one made from the toughest Sheffield steel” no less — which Geller proceeded to bend with no difficulties.

Fancy a steak?; then think again, if you are an enemy of the CIA, then Geller still has the power to drive you crazy with his bendy ways, as he bends knives and forks as well. And he doesn’t need to be holding the cutlery to melt their molecules, he could be hiding in the cupboard for all your know, the rubbing bit is just a part of his carefully crafted stage performance. How many people have lost their minds, and sometimes even starved to death, as a result of Geller’s decades of collusion with the CIA? But needless to say you don’t need to really worry about the aftermath of the CIA’s psi-warfare, as Geller assures us that he has only ever undertook good work for the most vile and murderous intelligence agency the world has ever known, never the bad stuff!

More interestingly, given the fact that prior to Geller’s recruitment to the CIA Geller had been open about this ability to converse with extraterrestrials from the planet Hoova (or rather he let them communicate through him), the CIA must have been chomping at the bit to have him on their payroll. All the more so, as according to Geller and his alien friends, the last time the New Age(y) sounding inhabitants of Hoova had got in contact with the human race was a whopping six thousand years ago.

No doubt American intelligence operatives had toxic dreams of harnessing Geller’s telepathic miracle in the service of corporate power, which would of course render the tedious process of wiretapping their citizens redundant. But as it turns out such fantasies remained unfulfilled, and so were “forced” to continue intensifying their already vast surveillance operations; bringing us to the dire situation that Edward Snowden is so nobly revealing to us today.

In the end, it seems that the only lesson that we can draw from this whole sorry enterprise is that Geller, like his intelligence buddies, have, with ongoing support of the mainstream media, been able to undermine democratic ideals and enhance their own personal power vis-a-vis their not-so-magical abilities to dupe the rest of us.

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